what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
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I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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