I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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