tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's official drugs can't kill me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
