My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
