Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
