Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
