I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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