We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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