stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
