He asked me if I "almost moaned"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
