I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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