My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
