Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
