the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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