Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There was a lot of him and a little penis
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
