how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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