Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This is the high leading the old right now
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
