I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
