I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
