I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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