When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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