im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
