he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
