The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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