Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
