moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
