Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
