like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
