I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
