what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
