I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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