U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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