i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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