Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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