i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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