Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
