Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
