i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
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