I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
