I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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