Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
