True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
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After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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