If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
