He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
