Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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