so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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