So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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