she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
