Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
