Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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