Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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