i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
