You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
